Attempting to Work Hard for the Money

I’ve decided that I need to find a part-time job. I’ve been toying with the idea for a while but it wasn’t until recently that I decided it was absolutely necessary. Let’s start from the beginning (a very good place to start).

A few weeks ago I received a “We don’t really know where you’re living, please give us a call” postcard from the company that ran the thrift savings plan I participated in at the VA. I called them to update them and, purely out of curiosity’s sake, decided to ask how much money was in my account. Imagine my chagrin when the answer was not $500 or so, as I had assumed, but more than $3,000! I was thrilled. I thought, “Hell, I’m young, I can take that money out and pay my credit card down to a reasonable amount,” since I’m currently only able to make the minimum payment of nearly $100 per month since I’m saving as much as I can for the weddin’. After discussing all of this with Paul in what felt like one of the more grown up discussions I’ve ever had, I decided to do it.

Enter giant pothole-with-a-southern-accent in the road that was my plan.

I called to start the process of receiving my funds and found out that the penalty for taking money out was nothing close to minimal. There’s a 20% penalty for removing that money early and then a 10% penalty on my taxes. To do that seems to be even more irresponsible than racking up the credit card debt that I did during the 4 years that I spent in Roanoke’s hallowed halls. So I decided not to do it.

But I had already set my stubborn mind to getting that stupid card paid off as soon as humanly possible. That, my friends, means that it’s time to find a part-time job. So yesterday I hit the pavement. I went to Barnes and Noble and Starbucks and Ruby Tuesday and Target and was met with either lies or problems at every turn. Target had a “Now Hiring” sign on the door. Upon asking if they were still hiring, I was met with a “We’re accepting applications, but not hiring right now.” I got the same from Barnes and Noble. And then there was Starbucks. They said that there are Starbucks stores in the area that are definitely looking for help and that I should apply online since that application will go to every store in the area. But guess what boys and girls? An online Starbucks application doesn’t exist. I scoured the website, I Googled, hell, I even Binged (as in I used Bing, I didn’t eat an entire box of donuts), but all I found was a PDF of the paper application that I was to print off, fill out, and return to the Starbucks at which I’d like to sport a painted-on smile and prepare Caramel Macchiatos (a Starbucks invention, btw) all afternoon and night.

And then there was Kroger. Kroger seemed like a no brainer to me. I’m already an avid self-checkout user who has even mastered the art of looking up fruit PCU numbers, a skill which some Kroger employees seem to have trouble grasping. So I thought I’d go online and apply there. Little did I know that you can only apply to one store at a time and you have to do everything short of promising them your first-born-child before you can officially submit your application. Not only did I have to take a personality test, but I had to give them all my addresses over the past four years. Why do you care, Kroger? Is your background check really that invasive? I’d wager that it’s not.

So my agenda for the next few days is grudgingly fill out more Kroger applications, figure out where this elusive online Starbucks application exists, convince Barnes and Noble that they need me, and, if all else fails, charm the Ruby Tuesday manager and return to the miserable world of serving food and praying/begging/pleading for tips. Please world of retail, don’t do that to me.